Psalm 50 in the 21st Century

I had a very interesting experience this week.  My humility was called into question by someone who perceives themselves as a "good Christian".  So it got me thinking whether I truly was humble, or whether I was acting out of false humility.  It further got me wondering what exactly is a "good Christian" and what is a bad one.
I wasn't offended by the comment at all; when you have been onstage and done poorly, as well as done well, you have to develop somewhat of a thick skin in order not to be paralyzed with fear.  The first thing I did was thank God for the opportunity to examine myself, and see exactly how I might come across to others when professing my faith.  Only God knows whether I truly pass that test, but if I were to ask myself whether I pass or not, I would only say that one thing I never have called myself is a good Christian.  I have called myself a believer; I have called myself broken, but never a good Christian.
Then I remembered Psalm 50, which we, as Orthodox Christians, are supposed to say with our morning prayers every day.  "A sacrifice to God is a broken spirit: a heart that is broken and contrite God will not despise."  No person on Earth knows more about how broken I am than I do.  I know my sins, and always acknowledge them to myself, God, and my confessor (even if I don't admit them otherwise).  It is one thing to call myself the first amongst sinners (sounds prideful, doesn't it?) but I am past that.  I am broken.  I don't have the wisdom to put myself together: only God can, and only Jesus will lead me to God to do so.
So why do so many people who think they are good Christians not remember Psalm 50?  Is it the splintering of the churches?  Is it so much focus on the New Testament that the Old Testament, especially Psalms, is ignored or forgotten?  Is it pride?  Is it the evil sweeping over the world manifesting itself in false worship; not of idols, mind you, but a worship that is not pleasing to God?
I do not know the answer to this, and if you do, you are a better person than I will ever be.  However, for now, I will just have to be blessed with being broken, knowing God does not despise me for it.  I will have to be content to be contrite of heart, even if I don't always show it to others.  I will have to keep my resolve to turn over more to God and let Him handle things, because He knows what to do and I am no one to tell Him.
Most important, I think I will have to be happy that I am not a good Christian.  It seems God smiles more on us broken ones.

Prayer Lessons.

Our parish is in the midst of some turmoil at the moment.  I won't go into details as to the problems, but I will say that things are bad enough that we are saying nightly akathists for our parish.  It is through this that I am learning more about the power of prayer.
We know we will only get results on God's time.  In fact, we pray for Him to deliver us from our turmoil as He sees fit when He knows best.  What I am learning more about, though, is how powerful prayer is in your community.
Not all of us can make it every night, and I am no exception; with a new job and a schedule that conflicts with the times, there are times when I am coming home from work when the akathist starts.  That said, I go whenever I am not working, and it is amazing that even though I only see a handful of people there, it is always the same people who are there; the choir director, two regular parishioners, the church caretakers, and certain members of the choir are there every time I am.  What has this taught me?  It has taught me to learn to see who is more disciplined in prayer than I am (not counting a priest) and seek them out.  It has taught me that these are the people who most likely remember me in prayer each day, as I do them.  It is teaching me to be more comfortable in prayer, not only with these few people, but in general: it's not that prayer made me uncomfortable, but it did always make me, for lack of a better phrase, self-conscious.  Am I praying correctly?  Am I following "rules"? Am I offending anyone?
Yes, I am praying correctly, every time I invoke the name of our Savior, Jesus Christ.  There aren't "rules" as much a disciplinary guidelines (giving a  nod to "Captain Barbosa").  Finally, the only people who would be offended by my prayers are those in the dark.
So as I pray that our parish be delivered from it's current turmoil, I am grateful that I was privileged to be a part of it; by being present, by praying both alone and with members of my parish, and for the most enlightening lessons on the power of prayer I have ever received.  I truly am blessed.
God bless all of you.

Prayers for our Enemies

"Lord Jesus Christ, Who didst command us to love our enemies, and those who defame and injure us, and to pray for them and forgive them; Who Thyself didst pray for Thine enemies, who crucified thee: grant us, we pray, the spirit of Christian reconciliation and meekness, that we may heartily forgive every injury and be reconciled with our enemies. Grant us to overcome the malevolence and offences of people with Christian meekness and true love of our neighbor. We further beseech Thee, O Lord, to grant to our enemies true peace and forgiveness of sins; and do not allow them to leave this life without true faith and sincere conversion. And help us repay evil with goodness, and to remain safe from the temptations of the devil and from all the perils which threaten us, in the form of visible and invisible enemies. Amen. "


"O Lord, our God, pre-existing before all ages and remaining forever; who are as great in compassion as you are in uncontainable power; who because of your ineffable mercy bowed the heavens, came down on earth and became man for the salvation of sinners; who put on and immortalized our nature and ascended with it to the place from which you descended; hear from heaven and become merciful to all those who cry out to you with a broken heart. You, O Master of all, lend you ear and hear us. We know your undefeatable love for your creation and your inexhaustible goodness. Hence, we throw ourselves into the ocean of your compassions and entreat you: turn not your face from us nor cast us away from your countenance neither hand us over to those who are so furiously attacking us. Look upon us with your compassionate eye. Show us how to rise above both the visible and invisible enemies. Place in us a power from on high; encompass us with your almighty right hand; keep us under the protection of your wings; fortify us with love for one another and grant us unshakable peace. But before all and above all, instill in us your fear and your love that your holy name may also be glorified in us. Upon you alone we look, on you alone we have placed our hopes, and to you we send up the glory, together with your Father, who is without beginning, and the life-creating Spirit, now and ever and unto the ages of ages. Amen."

"
Bless my enemies, O Lord. Even I bless them and do not curse them.
Enemies have driven me into Thy embrace more than friends have.
Friends have bound me to earth, enemies have loosed me from earth and have demolished all my aspirations in the world.
Enemies have made me a stranger in worldly realms and an extraneous inhabitant of the world.
Just as a hunted animal finds safer shelter than an unhunted animal does, so have I, persecuted by enemies, found the safest sanctuary, having ensconced myself beneath Thy tabernacle, where neither friends nor enemies can slay my soul.
Bless my enemies, O Lord. Even I bless them and do not curse them.

They, rather than I, have confessed my sins before the world.
They have punished me, whenever I have hesitated to punish myself.
They have tormented me, whenever I have tried to flee torments.
They have scolded me, whenever I have flattered myself They have spat upon me, whenever I have filled myself with arrogance.

Bless my enemies, O Lord. Even I bless them and do not curse them.

Whenever I have made myself wise, they have called me foolish.
Whenever I have made myself mighty, they have mocked me as though I were a dwarf.
Whenever I have wanted to lead people, they have shoved me into the background.
Whenever I have rushed to enrich myself, they have prevented me with an iron hand.
Whenever I thought that I would sleep peacefully, they have wakened me from sleep.
Whenever I have tried to build a home for a long and tranquil life,they have demolished it and driven me out.
Truly, enemies have cut me loose from the world and have stretched out my hands to the hem of Thy garment.

Bless my enemies, O Lord. Even I bless them and do not curse them.

Bless them and multiply them; multiply them and make them even more bitterly against me:
so that my fleeing to Thee may have no return;
so that all hope in men may be scattered like cobwebs;
so that absolute serenity may begin to reign in my soul;
so that my heart may become the grave of my two evil twins: arrogance and anger;
so that I might amass all my treasure in heaven;
ah, so that I may for once be freed from self deception, which has entangled me in the dreadful web of illusory life.

Enemies have taught me to know what hardly anyone knows, that a person has no enemies in the world except himself.
One hates his enemies only when he fails to realize that they are not enemies, but cruel friends.
It is truly difficult for me to say who has done me more good and who has done me more evil in the world: friends or enemies.
Therefore bless, O Lord, both my friends and my enemies.
A slave curses enemies, for he does not understand.
But a son blesses them, for he understands. For a son knows that his enemies cannot touch his life. Therefore he freely steps among them and prays to God for them.
Bless my enemies, O Lord. Even I bless them and do not curse them."

Lord, I offer Thee these prayers from the saints as an odor of spiritual fragrance for those who currently persecute me and those I love.   Humbly, I beseech Thee, to hear my prayers, and those of all Orthodox Christians, for freedom, safe deliverance, and victory over those who attack us, both as persons and as a church, in body and spirit,  in truth and deceit, and may our persecutions lead us ever closer to Thee, who art all good and deserving of all glory, honor, and worship In The Name of the Father, and The Son, and The Holy Spirit, now and ever, and unto the ages of ages, Amen.

I got drafted!

Ok...for some people, the title to this blog entry may bring back nasty flashbacks of the sixties and anti-Vietnam war protests, and some may start reciting the "Alice's Restaurant Masacree" (with full orchestration and five part harmony and stuff like that and other phenomenon), but in my case, it is true.  I truly did get drafted....just not by the US military.  I was drafted by the priest where I attend church to do something very important.
A little background: I attend an OCA church that is overwhelmingly Russian (or at least old Soviet).  I honestly think I am the only regular adult parishioner who can not speak Russian.  So, because I can walk, and it is Orthodox, I walk to this church every Saturday and Sunday for Vespers and Liturgy.  I follow along with the services in the Svit prayerbook; it's the only way I could follow!  Where I get lost is the sermon; Father gives it in Russian, and all I can do is smile and nod politely.  However, Father noticed a chance for me to give also, and has made me do so.
Since about Thanksgiving time, I have given the epistle reading in English.  How overwhelming.  Who am I to say anything about God through the writings of St Paul?  However, since I was asked to, how can I say no?  So, I didn't.
At first, I thought that there was no purpose to this other than to show those who couldn't speak Russian that they are welcome also.  Let's face it; in the Northeast, church attendance is down, and churches are closing.  The current church I attend would have closed if Father had accepted an offer to go to Poland to a university there about eight years ago.  He decided to stay and keep the church open.  If he hadn't made that decision for me those years ago, I wouldn't have been drafted.
However, a recent talk by a man who grew up in the parish shed some new light on this for me also.  He talked about growing up here and going to church here and how in his youth, it was so crowded on holidays that police were needed for traffic control; in fact, the two blocks surrounding the church were shut down for safety reasons.  He talked with zeal about his favorite memories from this church growing up.  Then it dawned on me: he was speaking in English!  OK, I understand THAT shouldn't have been a "revelation" since I like to think I have excellent command of the English language myself.  Yet, it wasn't until I thought about the fact he WAS speaking in English to a bunch of Russian immigrants in the USA that I realized how important I am now to keeping this church open and alive.  It isn't that I can speak English; it's that many Americans (myself included) can not speak Russian.  This isn't a Russian Church; it's an Orthodox Church.  This isn't a "Russian" community; we are God's children.  All God's children must be made welcome in His house of worship.
I realize now how I am to be that welcoming person for the non-Russian speaking person who wants to come here.  I am to be as welcoming to them as I was welcomed by all here, because I was welcomed.  No one told me I did not belong because I was unable to speak Russian.  No one told me to go seek those who spoke my language.  No one told me to leave.  Everyone has shown me they want me to stay.  Father has given me work to do.  How can I say no?
I only pray I do not let my parish, my priest, and God down, as I have so often in my life.  Please pray for me also; I need them more and more.

"Tis what season?

With the Nativity Feast just a week away, I have thought about many memories of past, well, Christmas celebrations.  You see, I don't celebrate, "Christmas" any longer, not because I am trying to make a statement outwardly (well, sometimes I am, especially if someone calls the feast "pagan" in nature) but because I want it to mean more to me than just, well, Christmas.
Let me talk about some of my troubles with the season first.  Not all of my childhood Christmas' were happy; in fact, many of them had arguments and fights, and most of my "presents" were school clothes for the rest of the school year.  There was never a chance for me to "shoot my eye out, kid" because those desires didn't matter.
Also, there are reasons for me to be sad during the season that have nothing to do with Christmas itself.  My mother died December 22, 2000, three days short of Christmas and four days shy of what would have been her 71st birthday.  Her calling hours were on that 71st birthday.
Then there is the culture war going on over what to do with the season.  So many get "offended" by Christ that "it must be removed from the public" and in removing Him, offend many more times the people.  Both sides use the Constitution of the USA to justify their positions, yet I do wonder how many people have actually read not only the Constitution, but the Declaration of Independence, the Articles of Confederation, and the Federalist Papers as well.  If anything, I wish my father had made me read the Holy Bible as religiously as he made me read those documents, because, like the Holy Bible, "school wasn't going to teach them".
I guess what I am getting at here is that I am looking inside myself, and to Jesus, for what this season is supposed to mean.  For a season meant to mark the coming of the Prince of Peace, it sure starts out with a lot of consumer violence and hatred toward your fellow man.  If Christmas means getting pepper sprayed by someone who wants a shopping bargain before I can get it, then it's not a holiday I want to celebrate.  It's one thing for me to shoot my own eye out; I don't need someone else to spray them out for me!
There are still some things about Christmas I enjoy.  I enjoy the carols, some of the movies (obviously "A Christmas Story", but also the first two "Home Alone" movies as well as "Christmas Vacation"), some of the TV specials (though I have to watch "The Little Drummer Boy" online now as TV doesn't show it lest anyone be offended), and I have come to enjoy being in church so much more than I did even as a child.  As I get older, however, I am not so anxious for the celebrations of Christmas any longer.  I am becoming much happier in just sitting in silence, reading the Gospel of Luke, being in the temple praying.  I am learning that for me, this is what the true feast is.  The feast is not about the dinner (though I won't say no to good food), but the table our Lord and Savior came to prepare for us.  That I am not worthy, yet invited, is humbling.  That I am welcomed unfathomable to me, first amongst sinners.
Maybe someday, I'll learn, but that's an awful big maybe.

God's Time

I have all the time God has given me, and I still feel hurried.
I have plenty of time for prayer, but I find a distraction.
I have plenty of time for silence, yet create noise.
I have plenty of time for love, but fail to reach out.
I have plenty of time to be loved, but never accept it.
I have plenty of time for entertainment, but claim to be bored.
I have plenty of time for family, yet shun them.
I have plenty of time to submit to God's will, yet still force mine into my prayers.
My simple prayer today is this: Dear God, allow me to use the time you have given me to do Your will, to humbly worship You, as You are most deserving of praise, and to accept that all answers come with time, and all time comes from You.

Amen.

My prayer for silence

Prayer is actively talking to God.
Silence is allowing Him time to answer.
Prayer is telling God what your needs are.
Silence is God telling you what He needs from you.
Prayer is giving God your wish list.
Silence is God prioritizing it.
Prayer is a discipline.
Silence is a devotion.
Prayer is telling God you love Him.
Silence is letting God love you.
Prayer is giving God thanks.
Silence is letting God thank you.
Prayer is a blessing to God.
Silence is God's blessing to you.
Prayer is humbling yourself before God.
Silence is humbling yourself to serve God.
Prayer acknowledges God as a higher power.
Silence empowers you to submit to Him.
Prayer is what you will to God.
Silence is willing yourself to God.
Prayer takes time.
Silence is timeless.