I had a very interesting experience this week. My humility was called into question by someone who perceives themselves as a "good Christian". So it got me thinking whether I truly was humble, or whether I was acting out of false humility. It further got me wondering what exactly is a "good Christian" and what is a bad one.
I wasn't offended by the comment at all; when you have been onstage and done poorly, as well as done well, you have to develop somewhat of a thick skin in order not to be paralyzed with fear. The first thing I did was thank God for the opportunity to examine myself, and see exactly how I might come across to others when professing my faith. Only God knows whether I truly pass that test, but if I were to ask myself whether I pass or not, I would only say that one thing I never have called myself is a good Christian. I have called myself a believer; I have called myself broken, but never a good Christian.
Then I remembered Psalm 50, which we, as Orthodox Christians, are supposed to say with our morning prayers every day. "A sacrifice to God is a broken spirit: a heart that is broken and contrite God will not despise." No person on Earth knows more about how broken I am than I do. I know my sins, and always acknowledge them to myself, God, and my confessor (even if I don't admit them otherwise). It is one thing to call myself the first amongst sinners (sounds prideful, doesn't it?) but I am past that. I am broken. I don't have the wisdom to put myself together: only God can, and only Jesus will lead me to God to do so.
So why do so many people who think they are good Christians not remember Psalm 50? Is it the splintering of the churches? Is it so much focus on the New Testament that the Old Testament, especially Psalms, is ignored or forgotten? Is it pride? Is it the evil sweeping over the world manifesting itself in false worship; not of idols, mind you, but a worship that is not pleasing to God?
I do not know the answer to this, and if you do, you are a better person than I will ever be. However, for now, I will just have to be blessed with being broken, knowing God does not despise me for it. I will have to be content to be contrite of heart, even if I don't always show it to others. I will have to keep my resolve to turn over more to God and let Him handle things, because He knows what to do and I am no one to tell Him.
Most important, I think I will have to be happy that I am not a good Christian. It seems God smiles more on us broken ones.
I share your thoughts about the many who vociferously pronounce themselves to be "good Christians" to empower themselves over others.
ReplyDeleteI try to keep my thoughts on this to myself, though, and try to address criticisms from such persons on their face value. Any criticism might be worthy of consideration regardless of its source. To ignore it might speak of arrogance.
However, that your response is to instead to slough it off by allusion to your "thick skin" and to publicly denigrate the criticizer is hardly laudable.
You may instead be reinforcing the criticism.
Should not humility before God also require humility before men?
Is professing 'I am humbler than thou' and presenting one's "thick skin" as if saying 'speak to the hand' appropriate?
Perhaps not so much.
I think you are missing the point I am trying to make here. First of all, I did not "shrug it off", I merely stated that having developed a thick skin allowed me not to feel insulted as so many people who have their faith questioned or mocked often do. If I had just shrugged it off, I would not have contemplated the other's comment.
ReplyDeleteMy point is not that "I am more humble than thou"; in fact, I alluded to such thoughts as being prideful, which is a sin. I was alluding to what the 50th Psalm (51st in most Protestant books) has to say about what God will and will not despise. I could further have linked this story to the Parable of the Publican and the Pharisee; a story repeated in the Orthodox Church two weeks before the start of the full Lenten Fast. It is meant to remind us how one should present oursleves to God, and to remind us about the most important prayer one can say: Have mercy on me.
I did not publicly critcize anyone specific; no names were mentioned, no mention of how these comments started was alluded to, and no other mention of the "Good Christian" from this episode is called to attention after the initial statement of my humility being called into question. The public mention of "Good Christian" is to call direct contrast to Psalm 50. No mention is made to my reaction to that comment, other than allowing it the opportunity to examine myself, for perhaps the critic had a fair point I should have (and did) examine. I leave my humilty to be judged by God; not by any human. What God may call humble man may call arrogant, and what man may call grace God may call sin. After all, if this entry is arrogant, I have exposed my own sin to the world yet again, and nothing is more humbling than the exposure of your sins.
Lastly, it is my hope that this incident and my telling of it may be of help to other Orthodox Christians who may face a similar situation so that they know they are not alone.