Dear Lord:
Today I have failed you, again, yet You still show me Your mercy in ways that I can not always comprehend at first.
I find myself in bad situations of my own making, and You reach out to me through a church community that overlooks my faults and only asks that I lend a helping hand.
I find myself getting angry at the world (and sometimes I can't help but say I am right in what I say) but it is only through You that I find the peace to forgive, though I may need some time to calm down first (which You also provide).
I find myself hurting those who love me, and You give me the gift of repentance so that maybe I can not hurt them so often.
I find myself feeling hopeless, and the thought of You and Your promises give me hope which I feel I do not deserve.
I find myself thinking I am intelligent, only to hear words of wisdom from a child.
I find myself thinking I am wise, and then make a fool of myself, but not for Your sake.
I find myself thinking I know what I want from life, only to find out I only know my will, and not Yours.
I find myself thinking I know Your will, only to serve myself.
I find myself thinking I am at peace, only to find I am at war with myself.
I find myself thinking I am protecting others from myself, when I have put them in the heat of my battle.
I find myself wishing for the gifts of the spirit when I am truly obsessing with my bodily needs.
I find myself not always content with where I am, thus forgetting You led me here for a reason.
I find myself unable to say thank you when without You, I am nothing.
In these, and more things, my Lord, I have failed You today. My Lord, hear my simple prayer now. Help me to serve You better. Amen.
Monday, November 28, 2011
Thursday, November 24, 2011
Thanksgiving
I am thankful for a God who loves me, though I feel undeserving.
I am thankful He sent me people who love me, though I feel undeserving.
I am thankful for His son who sacrificed everything for me, though I feel undeserving.
I am thankful that I live in the greatest country man ever invented, though I feel undeserving.
I am thankful for a pet who loves me unconditionally, though I feel underserving.
I am thankful for all the blessings I celebrate today, though I feel undeserving.
Finally, I am thankful for a good cup of coffee. Maybe I deserve that.
Happy and Blessed Thanksgiving to all.
I am thankful He sent me people who love me, though I feel undeserving.
I am thankful for His son who sacrificed everything for me, though I feel undeserving.
I am thankful that I live in the greatest country man ever invented, though I feel undeserving.
I am thankful for a pet who loves me unconditionally, though I feel underserving.
I am thankful for all the blessings I celebrate today, though I feel undeserving.
Finally, I am thankful for a good cup of coffee. Maybe I deserve that.
Happy and Blessed Thanksgiving to all.
Saturday, November 12, 2011
Believer, or Christian?
If someone were to ask me to describe myself (and people often do), some of the words I use would be humorous, compassionate if not kind (I do not believe them synonomous), intelligent, and hard working (ok, the last one is two words, so perhaps diligent or industrious would be better). It just occurred to me, though, that Christian is not a word that usually comes out, let alone first. So, how would Jesus feel about that?
Truthfully, I will never know in my lifetime, unless Jesus returns while I still draw a breath. What happens if I do describe myself first as Christian? Is that truly putting Jesus first, or is it me trying get His attention for it?
When I was a catechumen, Father Igor, who Chrismated me, once gave a sermon about something similar (or at least mentioned it in one of his sermons). He said he didn't like saying he was "Christian"; he preferred to say he was a believer in Jesus Christ and His teachings. What struck me as odd was that I said the exact same thing for years, though perhaps for more earthly reasons. I felt it played into identity politics that would not allow for my political thoughts to be taken seriously. However, as I sat in church that day and listened to Father Igor's sermon, I realized something that I would never have thought.
I realized that before we can call ourselves Christan, we have to believe in Jesus. I realized that before we can believe in Jesus, we have learn about His teachings and the Gospel. I realized that before the Gospel can be learned, we must learn our own hearts, as was spoken to me years before by a different Orthodox priest after I went to my first liturgy. And I further realized the most amazing thing to me; until I know my own heart, there is no way Jesus can change what is in it for me, for even though Jesus works miracles, you need to believe in them for them to happen.
I have removed myself from the inaneness of politics now. I used to love debating them, but Jesus (thank you, by the way) changed that in me. Yes, I still read up on current events, and hold my own views, but I don't enjoy the debating and knowledge of them any longer. I still vote, but that is as far as any political involvement will ever go with me from now on.
I am much more content now with reading my prayer books, the Gospels and the Psalms, the history of the church, the biographies of the saints, and letting them change me more than politics ever could. I'll never know if I am a Christian, because I am not trying to find that out any longer. I am content to be merely a believer. As we fast approach this Nativity season, the season that gives us a reason to believe, I find it more important than ever to remember what Father Igor said in his sermon that day, and I find the contentedness it brings strengthens me.
I pray, and ask you to pray for me also, that my belief can grow so I can become a better person, whether anyone on this Earth calls me a Christian or not. I promise to do the same for all of you who read this, though it will help me to let me know who you are. Actually, I'll pray for you anyhow, for Jesus already knows who you are.
God Bless..
Truthfully, I will never know in my lifetime, unless Jesus returns while I still draw a breath. What happens if I do describe myself first as Christian? Is that truly putting Jesus first, or is it me trying get His attention for it?
When I was a catechumen, Father Igor, who Chrismated me, once gave a sermon about something similar (or at least mentioned it in one of his sermons). He said he didn't like saying he was "Christian"; he preferred to say he was a believer in Jesus Christ and His teachings. What struck me as odd was that I said the exact same thing for years, though perhaps for more earthly reasons. I felt it played into identity politics that would not allow for my political thoughts to be taken seriously. However, as I sat in church that day and listened to Father Igor's sermon, I realized something that I would never have thought.
I realized that before we can call ourselves Christan, we have to believe in Jesus. I realized that before we can believe in Jesus, we have learn about His teachings and the Gospel. I realized that before the Gospel can be learned, we must learn our own hearts, as was spoken to me years before by a different Orthodox priest after I went to my first liturgy. And I further realized the most amazing thing to me; until I know my own heart, there is no way Jesus can change what is in it for me, for even though Jesus works miracles, you need to believe in them for them to happen.
I have removed myself from the inaneness of politics now. I used to love debating them, but Jesus (thank you, by the way) changed that in me. Yes, I still read up on current events, and hold my own views, but I don't enjoy the debating and knowledge of them any longer. I still vote, but that is as far as any political involvement will ever go with me from now on.
I am much more content now with reading my prayer books, the Gospels and the Psalms, the history of the church, the biographies of the saints, and letting them change me more than politics ever could. I'll never know if I am a Christian, because I am not trying to find that out any longer. I am content to be merely a believer. As we fast approach this Nativity season, the season that gives us a reason to believe, I find it more important than ever to remember what Father Igor said in his sermon that day, and I find the contentedness it brings strengthens me.
I pray, and ask you to pray for me also, that my belief can grow so I can become a better person, whether anyone on this Earth calls me a Christian or not. I promise to do the same for all of you who read this, though it will help me to let me know who you are. Actually, I'll pray for you anyhow, for Jesus already knows who you are.
God Bless..
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
If I were a Tevye
"If I were rich I'd have the time that I lack to sit in the Synagogue and pray and maybe have a seat by the Eastern Wall;
And I'd discuss the Holy Books with the learned men seven hours every day; and that would be the sweetest thing of all."
Tevye. I know he's a fictional character, but in so many ways, I wish I had his piousness. Here was a man who trusted God implicitly. He knew God was always there, even if he wasn't always happy about his circumstances. He always talked to God as if they were friends, the most intimate type of prayer. He was human, too; he laughed, got angry, felt pain, made mistakes that hurt others, but no one could deny he was dedicated to God, family, and tradition.
Tradition. The opening song to "Fiddler on the Roof". So important to Tevye, and so important in any faith. Stumbling through an education in Orthodox Christianity, I have come to see just how important tradition is in Orthodoxy, but most important, I have learned why, at least in part.
Tradition tells us things that might otherwise get lost along the way. It tells us that some things are too important to discard in the name of progress. If it weren't for the traditions of the church, we would certainly have lost the wisdom of the saints.
How often I tell myself to acquire a peaceful spirit so that thousands around me can be saved. Of course, my failure to do so is more my own obstacle than it is a counter argument; in fact, I think my failure to do so is proof that St Seraphim of Sarov was correct.
St Basil the Great of Caesarea once said to take that which is good, even from pagan authors, and benefit from it. If I hadn't heard that, I probably would never have found inspiration in an Oscar Wilde saying about saints and sinners.
I also have to admit that I would love nothing more than spending all day talking about God, and as a Christian, Jesus, and the rest of the bible. How sweet that would be.
So, deep down, I guess I do know that God is always there. He may not always show up in a way I expect, or even recognize at the time, but he is there. If I don't talk to him as often as Tevye, that's not His fault. That's just me forgetting my tradition.
Lachaim!
And I'd discuss the Holy Books with the learned men seven hours every day; and that would be the sweetest thing of all."
Tevye. I know he's a fictional character, but in so many ways, I wish I had his piousness. Here was a man who trusted God implicitly. He knew God was always there, even if he wasn't always happy about his circumstances. He always talked to God as if they were friends, the most intimate type of prayer. He was human, too; he laughed, got angry, felt pain, made mistakes that hurt others, but no one could deny he was dedicated to God, family, and tradition.
Tradition. The opening song to "Fiddler on the Roof". So important to Tevye, and so important in any faith. Stumbling through an education in Orthodox Christianity, I have come to see just how important tradition is in Orthodoxy, but most important, I have learned why, at least in part.
Tradition tells us things that might otherwise get lost along the way. It tells us that some things are too important to discard in the name of progress. If it weren't for the traditions of the church, we would certainly have lost the wisdom of the saints.
How often I tell myself to acquire a peaceful spirit so that thousands around me can be saved. Of course, my failure to do so is more my own obstacle than it is a counter argument; in fact, I think my failure to do so is proof that St Seraphim of Sarov was correct.
St Basil the Great of Caesarea once said to take that which is good, even from pagan authors, and benefit from it. If I hadn't heard that, I probably would never have found inspiration in an Oscar Wilde saying about saints and sinners.
I also have to admit that I would love nothing more than spending all day talking about God, and as a Christian, Jesus, and the rest of the bible. How sweet that would be.
So, deep down, I guess I do know that God is always there. He may not always show up in a way I expect, or even recognize at the time, but he is there. If I don't talk to him as often as Tevye, that's not His fault. That's just me forgetting my tradition.
Lachaim!
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