Wednesday, March 21, 2012

What will I become?

With Pascha approaching, it has been a very busy time at our church.  Of course, we have had our problems, and they continue, but I don't think they will get in the way of the joy we are supposed to feel over the news of the risen Christ.  If it does, all I can think is that the demons are entering our church, and we are encouraging them, and nobody wants me to be wrong about that more than me.
Lately, though, I have found my favorite times being when I can be alone in the temple, cleaning, polishing the brass, praying, and other tasks that would be mundane to me if they were not done for the temple of Our Lord.  It's nice to be trusted in many ways, sure.  What's nicer is the silence I can find inside the walls of the temple as I do my things in preparation for Pascha, and the lack of self-awareness that comes with it.  It's nice to pray loud in the temple with no one there, as opposed to quietly in my room or in public so as not to attract the attention of other people.  For a guy who has been a performer, I find myself constantly thinking about being seen by people when I pray, lest I get a reward I don't want.  It's one thing to know that part of the admonition I refer to is supposed show what our intent is; am I praying in public to be seen or praying to pray?  My problem that I am seeing is that one can start to pray in public just to pray to then have it morph into praying to be seen.  Oh, those crafty demons.  However, this entry is not about the demons, though I must acknowledge their efforts to draw me away from God.
I think this entry is about why I enjoy being alone in the temple so much now.  The only ones who can see me there when I am alone are God, Jesus, the Theotokos, and the Saints.  There is no self consciousness there; there is only me pouring my heart out.  Whether I only ask for mercy, or say a Canon by myself, or just sit in silence to allow God time to try to get some things through my thick skull, I have nothing to worry about in my praying there.  Anyone who wanders into the church at such a time won't worry that I am praying; they'd probably even join me.  I only wish I didn't have to have employment to support myself and pay bills; I could pray alone in the temple more often.
Which brings me back to Pascha: it is time for my soul to rise to God and ask not only forgiveness and mercy, but strength and enlightenment.  Knowing what changes have come over me in the last few years, from being someone who was so interested in the workings of politics and absorbed in pursuits that damaged me and then becoming someone who longs to be in the church more, even without a service being conducted, I am wondering what it is I have to destroy, and even allow others to destroy, in order for my own new life and fulfillment to occur.  I am still too attached to the world, and am not obedient enough, to be a good monk; I don't know many monks who feel comfortable in hockey arenas and baseball stadiums or playing guitar and singing.  Actually, I don't know many monks.
What the answer is, I do not know.  What I do know is that Pascha is coming soon, and as much as I look forward to the Pascha services, the Paschal exclamations, and the feast that accompanies them (thinking of all the kielbasa I will want to eat), I am looking forward to finding those answers in the coming year.  I am looking forward to my own transformation from a creature of the world to a servant of God and (dare I say) a disciple of Christ.  I am looking forward to this more than I ever thought I would, for I am approaching a question I have asked for almost forty years now in a whole new way.  The question I seek an answer to is this: What will I become?
God Bless.

Thursday, March 8, 2012

Obedience

The subject of this entry is also my lesson for Lent.  I not only must learn to be more obedient in my job (which I think I am doing well at); I not only must be more obedient at church (and I don't think that was ever really a problem, but it doesn't hurt to get better), but I must also be more obedient to God, as Jesus was obedient to His Father and even His mother, the Theotokos.
Remember the story in Luke 2 about the 12 year old Jesus teaching at the Temple?  I take less of Jesus being wise at a young age from these passages (verses 43-50) and more from the aftermath (verses 51-52).  In those last two verses, Luke writes:
"And he went down with them, and came to Nazareth, and was subject to them. And his mother kept all these words in her heart. And Jesus advanced in wisdom, and age, and grace with God and men."
It seems to me that for Jesus to advance in wisdom, He had to be obedient not only to His Father, but to Mary and Joseph also.  It seems to me that because He made Himself obedient, He advanced in grace.  Since my goal in becoming Orthodox (part of my goal, anyhow) was to obtain more grace, it has become obvious to me after reading this chapter of Luke that obedience is important.
If we are not obedient, it says more about our will than our wisdom.  If we are not obedient, we put ourselves at risk of many troubles, from the spiritual to the cultural to the criminal.  If we are not obedient, we run a risk of an overinflated ego dominating our sense of self, which only distorts that sense.  When we decide not to be obedient, we deny that there are powers more important than us; our employer (who can find someone else to do our job), our parents (we are always to honor them, provided they lead us not into sin) our spouse (who we are supposed to submit to), the government (we can find ourselves in jail), but most importantly, God (and we know the ramifications there).
Out of all of those I mention, however, only God shows us mercy beyond compare: our parents can be merciful, but they may also never "wipe the slate clean", our employer may give us a "severance package, but we'll never be working for them again, let alone get a good reference from them, and the government?  I won't mention those possible ramifications lest I ask for trouble.
I don't think I have been outwardly as rebellious as of late as I was in my younger days, and perhaps even just a few months ago.  However, I shouldn't be allowed to judge how obedient I am, for it is not me who I need to become more obedient to.
My prayer shall be thus: Heavenly Father, as you are all knowing and all powerful, show me once more, your unworthy and willing servant, your mercy and compassion, and please help me to serve you better, to obey your commandments more fully, so that I may be deemed as worthy as possible of having Your grace bestowed upon me, that I may humbly speak of Your great goodness and everlasting love for man, whom You have created.  May your love and mercy reward me with tears of repentence, that I may better serve You and dare call upon You to worship You, Father, Son, and Holy Spirit, both now and ever unto the ages of ages.  Amen.