What will I become?

With Pascha approaching, it has been a very busy time at our church.  Of course, we have had our problems, and they continue, but I don't think they will get in the way of the joy we are supposed to feel over the news of the risen Christ.  If it does, all I can think is that the demons are entering our church, and we are encouraging them, and nobody wants me to be wrong about that more than me.
Lately, though, I have found my favorite times being when I can be alone in the temple, cleaning, polishing the brass, praying, and other tasks that would be mundane to me if they were not done for the temple of Our Lord.  It's nice to be trusted in many ways, sure.  What's nicer is the silence I can find inside the walls of the temple as I do my things in preparation for Pascha, and the lack of self-awareness that comes with it.  It's nice to pray loud in the temple with no one there, as opposed to quietly in my room or in public so as not to attract the attention of other people.  For a guy who has been a performer, I find myself constantly thinking about being seen by people when I pray, lest I get a reward I don't want.  It's one thing to know that part of the admonition I refer to is supposed show what our intent is; am I praying in public to be seen or praying to pray?  My problem that I am seeing is that one can start to pray in public just to pray to then have it morph into praying to be seen.  Oh, those crafty demons.  However, this entry is not about the demons, though I must acknowledge their efforts to draw me away from God.
I think this entry is about why I enjoy being alone in the temple so much now.  The only ones who can see me there when I am alone are God, Jesus, the Theotokos, and the Saints.  There is no self consciousness there; there is only me pouring my heart out.  Whether I only ask for mercy, or say a Canon by myself, or just sit in silence to allow God time to try to get some things through my thick skull, I have nothing to worry about in my praying there.  Anyone who wanders into the church at such a time won't worry that I am praying; they'd probably even join me.  I only wish I didn't have to have employment to support myself and pay bills; I could pray alone in the temple more often.
Which brings me back to Pascha: it is time for my soul to rise to God and ask not only forgiveness and mercy, but strength and enlightenment.  Knowing what changes have come over me in the last few years, from being someone who was so interested in the workings of politics and absorbed in pursuits that damaged me and then becoming someone who longs to be in the church more, even without a service being conducted, I am wondering what it is I have to destroy, and even allow others to destroy, in order for my own new life and fulfillment to occur.  I am still too attached to the world, and am not obedient enough, to be a good monk; I don't know many monks who feel comfortable in hockey arenas and baseball stadiums or playing guitar and singing.  Actually, I don't know many monks.
What the answer is, I do not know.  What I do know is that Pascha is coming soon, and as much as I look forward to the Pascha services, the Paschal exclamations, and the feast that accompanies them (thinking of all the kielbasa I will want to eat), I am looking forward to finding those answers in the coming year.  I am looking forward to my own transformation from a creature of the world to a servant of God and (dare I say) a disciple of Christ.  I am looking forward to this more than I ever thought I would, for I am approaching a question I have asked for almost forty years now in a whole new way.  The question I seek an answer to is this: What will I become?
God Bless.