On his Feast Day

With Video:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=akc9wO_oAOQ

A Song I wrote about my secondary patron in the Orthodox Church, St John Kochurov, whose blessed memory we commemorate today, 10/31.

FATHER JOHN

A song for St John Kochurov, Heiromartyr of the Bolshevik Yoke

 

How can we help you, Father John, Father John?

Praying for us as you bleed

Shielding God’s people, Father John, Father John

As evil sweeps Russia in word and in deed

 

They’ve captured the royals, Father John, Father John

Stolen their riches and homes

They claim them for the people, Father John, Father John

And then keep those riches all for their own.

 

They show you no mercy, Father John, Father John

They say what you teach is absurd.

And they mean to tame us, Father John, Father John

By using their bullets to silence God’s word

 

They mourn in Chicago, Father John, Father John

In a church that you labored to build

They mourn out in Brooklyn Father John, Father John

Upon hearing how and why you were killed

 

We ask not for vengeance, Father John, Father John

We ask that we only be saved

From Godless oppression, Father John, Father John

A power that’s only described as depraved

 

In seventy years, Father John, Father John

A people enslaved now are free

The yoke of their burden, Father John, Father John

Are thought to be written as old history

 

Still we are praying, Father John, Father John

That you died for us not in vain

In you we find courage, Father John, Father John

As evil sweeps over this land once again

 

How can we help you, Father John, Father John?

Praying for us as you bleed

Shielding God’s people, Father John, Father John

As evil rains on us in word and in deed

Stumbling into a desert.

I have been finding it very difficult to pray as of late.  There are many things I could complain about in life right now, and while they are true, that is not the purpose of either this blog nor the life God gives us.  To say, however, that it hasn't affected me negatively in my soul, however, would be denial of a truth I must face and correct.
At this moment, my daily prayers do not fill me with joy; instead, they seem like an exercise in memorization or reading skills.  I certainly MEAN what those prayers say, but I am unable to FEEL their power.  I read Scripture, but it also feels more intellectual right now.
I have found myself just sitting in a church lately.  Not necessarily praying anything special other than a thank you, but just sitting there in silence, surrounded by the icons of our Savior, the Theotokos, and the saints.  Certainly those who who see me in the church must think I am deep in prayer, but I am actually only trying to listen.
Is my problem a lack of true repentance at this time?  Perhaps it is.  I certainly have been angry at a few things, and others have justified my anger for me with their openness to hoist blame on those who have made me angry.  Sometimes, I haven't even needed to complain myself; others have done it for me.  I keep hearing people saying that they wouldn't put up with what I have had to do lately, and that I shouldn't, either.  While I disagree with them about the not putting up with things idea (for we all deal with things we don't want to), these well meaning people seem to be coming to my defense without asking.  For this, I am forever grateful and deeply blessed.  However, there is no justification for some of my anger and the losing of the temper, regardless of any true victimizing of me, so the desire for repentance, I think, is there.  The tears, however, are not.
My faith is not shaken.  I know God is there, that Jesus is my Lord and Savior, and the saints are praying for me, as are my friends.  I also know that several of the saints and church founders also have had such periods of dryness in their lives, and many of them said that such periods represent not a loss of faith, but more a respite before a spiritual growth, and I will remain in dryness until God deems me ready to accept the next growth of my spirit.  I trust they are correct, but my strength is wearing very thin at the moment.  Patience may be a virtue, but it is a virtue I need to acquire.
I am aware that no one knows when this will end but God.  I am aware that only God knows why I am at this point in my spiritual life right now.  I can honestly say that along this path, I never realized I would actually stumble into a desert, but here I am in a desert as dry as any other.  As a joke towards some people, I tell them I can't read minds because I can't read a blank page.   This is all telling me that God is a much better reader than I am, also, for I know He is able to read my blank soul at this moment.  I only hope it isn't as damaged with evil as I fear it may be.
I ask for any prayers right now, and please know I will mention all of you in mine.  God's will be done, and I do submit to it as humbly as I know how.  God Bless all of you.

What I Do Not Deserve

When someone smiles at me, it is a kindness I do not deserve, for no one owes me their smile.
When someone compliments me, it is a kindness I do not deserve, for no one owes me compliments.
When someone praises me, it is a kindness I do not deserve, for no one owes me praise.
When someone thanks me for serving them, it is a kindness I do not deserve, for no one owes me thanks for being their servant.
When someone shares their lunch with me, it is a kindness I do not deserve, for no one owes me food.
When someone prays for me, it is a kindness I do not deserve, for no one owes me their prayers.
When someone shelters me from harm, it is a kindness I do not deserve, for no one owes me either shelter or safety.
When someone helps me complete a task, it is a kindness I do not deserve, for no one owes me their assistance.
When someone defends me from persecution, it is a kindness I do not deserve, for no one owes me defense.
When someone persecutes me, it is a kindness I do not deserve, for no one owes me their attention for any purpose.
When someone nurses me to health, it is a kindness I do not deserve, for I am not owed a nurse or good health.
When someone cries for me, it is a kindness I do not deserve, for no one owes me their tears.
When someone loves me, it is a kindness I do not deserve, for no one owes me love.
When someone gives me a gift, it is a kindness I do not deserve, for no one owes me gifts.
When I live to see another day, it is a kindness I do not deserve, for I am not owed life.
Yet God still keeps being kind to me, and I certainly do not deserve His kindness.